My Life, My Journey and My Goal.
Hello everyone,
I finally have sometimes to write, but first "Let Me Take A Selfie".. lol
Ok, pardon my grammar, english is my second languange, I learned to speak, write, read english when I was in high school and I always fascinated about foreign language especially French because my Dad was working at the French company at that time, so he would asked me to go to French Course for free provided by his company, but I never went cos I was nervous. Then i decided to go to a hotel management school which required to speak English, this was back home in my country "The Island of Java".
I have been wanting to write this for so long, and I am so happy that I finally got a chance to write. In this subject, I'd like to share my childhood, life journey, my relationship with my parents and my siblings and how I became who I am now. Over all, I didn't have good childhood, I grew up poor, my Dad was always working overseas and came home once a month and my Mom had to work at a place we call now a Dry Cleaner. My sister very much raised me while my parents are away.... I can't believe I'm crying while writing this, it's just so much memory, good memory.
I have been bullied and harassed since I was about 7yo by my peers and my own brother simply because I was effeminate. I liked to wear my sister's clothes, my mom's make up, and my sister would make me a skirt, she loved to dress me up but my brother hated it, he would called all his friends and gathered outside the house just to called me name and bullied me, I didn't realize at the time why he would do that, i was just having fun, and my sister told me to stop. This bullying continue through out my elementary school and Junior High, I would be called "F" word by neighbors all the time and on my way to school, the distance between my house and my school was relatively short, less than a half mile, but since I don't want to see people/ neighborhod who bullied me, I had to go different way which was longer route but more quite. As soon as I arrived at school the bullied didn't stop, even my teacher called "F" word, and my friend would laughed, some of them even brought a razor and tight them up on a piece of wood to slice me, it got to my fingers instead of face, it was hurt but I didn't really quite understand what was going on, I never tell anyone, never tell my Mom or my family as to what happened because I didn't want them to get upset. Long story short, when I was in Junior High, i finally told my Mom that my friend's mother just called me "F" word and I cried, my Mom also cried, she told me to stop visiting my friend's house which was a girl, most of my friends were girls and said that I had to start looking for male friends which I did, but my female friends would always came to me and asked to play dolls.. lol
I didn't know I was different until I reached 19, I never attracted to girls no matter how pretty they are, my crushed were always boys, and it would hurt me when one of my crushed would also called me "F" word. In my country, there is no such law that can protect you from bullied or harassment, the majority of people are muslim, so they don't appreciate effeminate or gay person, to them we are a joke, we don't deserve to be treated equal, thats why most of homosexuals there are closeted just to avoid discrimination and bully. But then again, because of the pressure by society, these people were campaigning against homosexuals too to cover themselves.
A year after I finished with my Hotel Management School, I finally got job offer, in Vancouver, I was sooooo excited to finally get out from hell, i was dreaming about living in Canada but never ever imagine I would ended up in New York. Prior to get a job in Hotel industry, I had to compete with a thousand people because everyone wanted the job, so I had to go through training, english skills, and customer service, my hard work got paid off and i was rank number 5 out of 1000, i felt special, I celebrated with my family and was preparing for my departure, but there was a catch, I had to pay the agency for $2000, it was a lot of money for my Dad and we didn't have that money, so we postpone my departure and i was so sad that i had to wait another year and continue facing many challenges. I was not OUT at that time, but I started to go out and mets lots of gay friends and they introduced me to my new world, i felt so relieve but scary at the same time. They didn't have freedom, they only go out at night, during the day they work or stay home to avoid bullying by neighborhod. Everytime I went out, I only drink orange juice, i didn't like alcohol even until today, no drugs either.
Time have passed, my Dad finally have money to pay that agency so I could go to Canada, his job got better and he got better pay, the agency took care of my Visa and Plane Ticket. My Dad gave me $500 for my pocket money, it was a lot at that time. After I got everything ready, it was very hard to leave my Mom, Dad, Families, Friends. I loved my Mom so much, we were very closed, she didn't want me to go, she said she was worry that I would never come back, I wanted to go so bad but I couldn't see my Mom's face, she was so sad, she thought that I was the only hope in my family, she would prefer me to stay and keep all the money. But I told her that, I want to be a succesfull person and I want to help her because soon my Dad would retired, and I wanted to be able to support them. In the other hand, my Dad gave me full support, he wanted me to go and experience things, he was proud that i could go considering there were thousands of people who wanted to go.
The day had come, I was at the airport surrounded by my whole family, I never travel before, that was the first time i travel, i couldn't even feel my skin, I was too excited and sad at the same time, i didn't want to go anywhere except sitting next to my Mom, I was too young but old enough to travel. I finally had to say good bye to them, it was the hardest good bye but i had to stay strong and looked for the future.
Arrived in Vancouver, Canada, I felt like a dream, as soon as i checked in the hotel with other five people, i called my Mom, she couldn't say anything but cried, so she gave the phone to my sister, I told her that I am doing well and will call back again as soon as everything got settle. A year has passed working in the hotel, the company transfered me to New York, I was shocked because i was the only one who got transfered while the rest of my friends went back home. So i moved to New York and started working in a new place. I spoke to my Mom that I would go home soon after my contract is done. At that time I didn't have any friends from my country until a year later i met a few, they introduced me to a new world, i started to go out, went to a gay club, etc.. I was still a boy at that time.
I remember the day when everything changed, my new friends would dress up every halloween night, and every birthday party, we compete to look "whos prettier", it was kinda awkward because the last time i dressed as a girl when I was 7yo and through out my teens but i stopped. One by one my friend started to take hormones, I was just watching, I told them I didn't want that, I wasn't sure if i wanted to be a girl full time. But after seeing their result, i wanted to try, so i read all the side effect then i changed my mind but my friend convinced me to take hormones if i like to dress as a girl. I told them that it's not that I like to dress up, I have to make the right decision because this is permanent thing. It took me 3 years to finally decide to start hormones therapy, i went to a doctor and got some prescription, I also went to have consultation at LGBT clinic, after i went through all of those I have began my transition. In the mean time I was still contact with my Mom every week, but never tell her about my transition, she just asked me why my voice changed, I told her that I had flu. A year goes by she asked me again why your flu didn't go away... I said I don't know. And she also asked how were my cats, ( I have 2 cats ), she wanted me to take care of my cats, because cats are precious. During those transition I also went to a Beauty School and Make Up school, that how i changed my profession, I became make up artist and worked for one of the most prestigious cosmetic company in the World and Asia as a free lance.
During those year my Mom asked me where do I worked, i told her I changed my profession and work as a make-up artist, she didn't like it, she didn't want me to be like people who work in the beauty salon where people make fun of. But i convinced her that my job is different, it's more "High End" and I got to do make up to famous people, to me job is job and as long as I can pay the bills, support her and support myself there is no different. She agreed with me, but then she told me that she missed me, we both cried on the phone, I told her i will go home soon, but I knew in my heart that I would not come back unless she accept me, cos I'm a different person now, my family and my Mom didn't know and I don't want to hurt her feeling. Years later my Dad passed away, that was really sad and I fear that I would lost my Mom too before I even meet her, he died all of a sudden. I spoke with my Mom everyday for a week so she could comfort me. Times went by, 3 year after my Dad gone, my Mom passed away. I felt kinda lost, we used to talk every week, and I really needed her, I got so frustrated and I couldn't handle it, the most fear in life was losing my Mom, she was like an Angel to me, always there when i was sad or happy. I didn't get a chance to see her since i saw her at the airport. I was thinking to myself if i made the right decision with my life, I often question myself and God, why? Why I was born like this, why i was not born like everybody else. Why I have to go through this, but I knew i had to get over it.
My youngest brother was taking care of my Mom when she was sick until she died, so now I really love my brother, he accept me for who I am, and he was there to replace me taking care of my Mom until her last breath. Before my Mom passed away, she wrote a will, she said that not to sell our house until i come home, she want me to have the house, but my siblings didn't like that idea, they broke the rule, they ignored my Mom's will, so they wanted to sell the house. I was so disappointed with my family, I want to keep my Mom promises, I want her to know that I will never let anyone to sell the house, I don't care whos gonna live in there but I didn't want that house land in someone's hand except my family. So then i was able to save some money and bought the house for my Mom, I know that my Mom is watching, So after I sent my bother money to buy that house, they shared the money within my siblings, I told them that I don't want anything, I just want them to take care of my youngest brother and let him live there for me, I want my Mom to rest in peace. Her last message to me, if she passed away she want me to take care of 2 my youngest brothers until they grow up and find a job, I told her YES eventho I don't like one of them because he would called "F" word too, but my Mom said they are my blood, I have to be nice to them. So to this day I continue supporting them and they havent find a job!!!
So now that I am here, I have nobody except my close friends, all my family are back home in my country. Yes it is tough being different and being transgender is very challenging that I had to quit my job because the company i worked for didn't like my transition, i was about to get promoted based on my job performances, but i failed because the Vice President at my job didn't like how I look. She wanted me to stay as a boy like when I started working with them. But I am already enjoy being a women, I am very comfortable as who I am, I loved my job but I had to leave and looked for a new one. They didn't let me be who I am. Very disappointed.
Now that I am very much women, I had to changed my name and gender so people at the airport don't have funny look when they see my ID with my old gender. Everything changed so quickly and I am happy with the result, although it break my heart that my parent didn't get a chance to see me, i'm still able to keep my head straight, my siblings started to notice my transition through SKYPE, at first they didn't like it, my sister hated it, she want to cure me, she want me to come home and go to Madrasa or religious school so I can be cured. I laughed at her, I told her that this is not something you can change or cure, this is me, if she doesnt like it well then too bad because I am happy and it's not my problem if the neighbors would disrespect us and laugh at me, it's their problem and I don't care. She finally never say anything again, I am not sure if she accept me or not, I never ask nor do I want to be accepted or approved. To me as long as I am a good person that's all that matter. I still love her and will never hate her eventhough she treated my Mom not very nice.
Everyday is an excitement to me, I feel like a new person, I love people reaction when they see me, I don't like the attention but a little attention is nice. In a recent years I have met a lots of people who changed my perspective about life, I met very nice people as well as crazy people who would stalk me. People make mistake, my mistake was to be vulnerable, to let people step all over me, and it's not good. But there are always people out there who want to help you, I don't want to be another Bully victim and will not keep it to myself, so I went to visit a few LGBT organisations how to protect myself from these type of people, they don't discriminate anyone when it come to help, and they are backed by powerful pro bono attorneys ready to represent us, the LGBT understand what we have been through, unfortunately, I am not the only one, they heard this case before and there are similarities. It's just not fair when the bad thing came from the LGBT community itself. At the end they were able to help me and gave me some protection, first step I had to change my name again, and I did. I was represent by the same lawyer who changed my name last time, they asked me why, so I told them what happened and they understand.
My goal in life? hmmm... I feel like I have so much talent in me, i used to build little houses from paper on my days off, i wanted to be an architect when i was in high school, but never made it because money issue, and then i tried to be Interior Design, but failed again, so i decided to be a beautician as my last option because I could afford it, but I ended up being a make up artist and I love it. I love make over, i love to make women look excited. I want to have my own beauty salon one day, but it's really tough in New York, the only thing to have my dream come true is to move to a smaller city and build a career there which I am planning to do. My best friend along with his gf offered me to move to Portland, I never been there but I really want to move there and start my new life.
I love New York too, so much going on in here, the city that never sleep, and it really is, but the cost of living is so high, it seem that i can't relax, I have to continously working, but soon I am gonna miss New York, I want to live in a small city like suburb and stay there for the rest of my life. My life isn't as glamour as you see on my pictures but it's part of it, I am very much hommie, I love to go out with friends, find some activity and adventure. I also like hiking, cooking and fishing, I used to do that when i was very little with my Dad, he would take me to a creek.
That was my short story that I have been wanting to write and share. I can't tell you everything, my fingers are so tired. Again apologized for the grammar, hopefully it's improve over time. Some people I know probably going to call me afte reading this and be a Grammar Police lol.
I have had the worst thing happened in life from being bullied to abused, happiness to sadness. The only FEAR I had was losing my Mom, now that she is gone, I don't have FEAR anymore, I am stronger, I became a better person, you never know how the experiences changed you, this is not the life I expected, I am still working to be better, but at least I am happier and wiser. To me being Transgender is fearless, this is not something you have to decide over night, needed lots of thought, plans and decicion as well as risk. To all my transgender friends, you are brave women, to all admirers, thank you for contributing your time and your thought into the community. And yes I have a hero to and I want to look like her, I want to be her, she is my Mom, she was a beautiful person, understanding, a great adviser, and I know that If i was born a female, I would not be here right now, I would be in my country having many babies like my sisters...hahah, this is also a good thing to be me, I am now a free "women" and I want to maintain that. One day I will achieve my Goal, but everything takes time, as of now, my goal is to have surgery, I want to have make over, I want to have more confidence before I get my dream job. Wish Me Luck!!!
